Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
You Might Also Like
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Animal poetry
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Happy birthday to all the women
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd