I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
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Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
the composer
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.