Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
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My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close