imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
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[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness