There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
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Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life