I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
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No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
They’re not wrong
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.