Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
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*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Need this in my life lol
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
look at me when i’m typing to you
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.