If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
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If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Happy birthday to all the women
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3