5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
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It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.