if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
You Might Also Like
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay