Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
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The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Human are so complicated
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
How funny!
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?