If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
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I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this