[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
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when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.