If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
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HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.