You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
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*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised