By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
You Might Also Like
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
me logging onto twitter
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??