I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
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Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
pep talk
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out