Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
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Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
🙁
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I have no passwords left in me
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I’m about to risk it all
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.