Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
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*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.