therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
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i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
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It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow