It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
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Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.