Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
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<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?