There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
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[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
channeling her this year
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.