Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
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If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
buys donuts instead
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas