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Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I want to meet the individual who made this
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*