Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
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Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*