*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
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Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
My biological clock is wheezing.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Meowchelangelo
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?