When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
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when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.