when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
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I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
mood
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
dude it’s called proctologist
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene