(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
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GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg