Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
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17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots