oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
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My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny