OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
You Might Also Like
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME