Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
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judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.