You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
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Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.