I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
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‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.