Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
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Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
kitchen magnet
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now