Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
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Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Nice try, poison.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Eggs are just drums you can only play once