We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
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*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.