[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
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Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO鈥橲 CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
My friend bought a house and I鈥檓 happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could鈥檝e bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i鈥檒l take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don鈥檛 serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 馃幎 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 馃幎
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he鈥檚 a doctor
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
X-tra spooky blend
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?