I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
You Might Also Like
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
So that’s what we looked like?
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG