The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
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The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
i hope my email finds you on fire
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?