just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
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Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat