I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
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Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Acronyms got me like WTF?
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.