Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
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I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
*offers Batman cough drops*
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”