I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
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7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️