My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
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Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
What’s so funny?
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad