I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
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During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
My teenage children choosing violence
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.