*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
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I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Nomnomnomnom
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.