Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
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Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Blew out my flip flop…
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.